For too long now Broadstairs has been Charles Dickens this, Bleak House that. Thankfully this is about to change as Thanet District council have listened to popular public opinion and want to celebrate other delights Broadstairs has to offer tourists and residents alike.
The "Celebrate Broadstairs Initial Loo of the Year 1992 Award Winner" festival will take place this summer and hopefully be the first of many annual events.
It will be a family day with competitions segregated along gender lines to maintain Dickensian modesty. The men’s’ event will consist of "chase the fag butt around the urinal" with the lady's being a slightly more endurance based "how long can you squat for without touching the seat".
To celebrate diversity, there will also be an event for the French community which is mixed gender and focuses on rather disturbing porcelain square with 2 footprints on. For our German residents there will be a “guess which sausage I ate last night” event.
Of course, Broadstairs being a town of dog lovers, there will of course be an “identify the breed of dog whose poo I just trod in” and for the kiddies there will be a “throw wet toilet paper on the ceiling” competition.
As a special treat for all visitors there will be a guest speaker from the local anti European party giving a speech on “How our policies align with faecal matter”. There is of course local controversy that this party speak doodoo, but hopefully this speech will dispel all myths espoused by the media.
There will be food stalls available but after a tragic accident with a pilot run, chocolate brownies will unfortunately not be on the menu.
I hope you and your families attend what I'm sure you'll agree will be a delightful day of toilet based fun for all.
Celebrate Broadstairs Initial Loo of the Year 1992 Award Winner: Follow Up
There were scenes of chaos yesterday at the first “Celebrate Broadstairs Initial Loo of the Year 1992 Award Winner” festival.
After years of intense pressure, Thanet District Council conceded objection to popular opinion and gave permission for the event to go ahead but are now scratching their heads at the disaster that has been locally dubbed as “Broadstairs Toiletgate”
From the start the festival was beset with problems. Organisers had failed to foresee that Barry, the key holder for the toilet, had been over indulging in a champagne lifestyle at his penthouse apartment with sea views in Ramsgate. After an hour of calling and no answer, event organiser, John Crapper, turned up to find Barry unconscious and quickly recovered the key and returned to open the toilets and start the festival for a slightly impatient but delighted crowd.
All was looking good but unfortunately the slow start was just the beginning.
In the “Chase the fag butt around the urinal” there was a mix up over what a urinal is and which fag butt competitors should be chasing. In the local beer tent, an inebriated competitor saw a fag butt in an ash tray on the table and started the competition early. Screams were heard as wet patrons dashed from the tent and jumped over the cliff in a desperate attempt to get to the sea to wash themselves off and purge the ammonia from their eyes.
After all fatalities were dealt with, a stiff upper lip was maintained and the festival continued...more problems arose.
The lady’s squatting competition began without a hiccup as did the French event although there were complications when a holidaying antiques roadshow expert mistook the porcelain square for a Quing dynasty vase and demanded the event be cancelled immediately. The German sausage identifying event was where the real trouble laid.
Augustus Baumgartner III, five times German sausage eater of the year national champion and twice runner up, decided to push his boundaries on currywurst. With the help of a Phall curry expert from Birmingham, they concocted the strongest currywurst any German...any man has ever eaten.
Augustus ate what has now been dubbed “Uber curryworst III” in his honour 5 hours prior to the event. When it came to passing the sausage from his digestive system, a toxic cloud was also released. Festival goers soon started to have symptoms from inflamed and tearful eyes to burning throats and nausea. One festival goer compared it to the 1969 Bogside riots in his hometown in Northern Ireland. He was quoted as saying “I only came for a day of toilet filled fun with the family then this happened, I thought the troubles were behind us”
Within the hour a local army unit turned up in hazmat suits and declared Broadstairs sea front a no go zone with quarantine procedures in place until the cloud dispersed. Unfortunately the children didn’t like this and instead of throwing wet toilet paper on the ceiling, started throwing it at the soldiers and all hell erupted. I cannot and will not describe the scenes that followed.
To try and calm the scene whilst garnering political points, the local anti European politician stepped in, unfortunately slipping on laid out dog poo for the “Identify the breed of dog whose poo I just trod in” and falling like a sack of British potatoes on the ground injuring himself in the process. As the paramedics were carting him off he was heard yelling “bloody immigrants, look what they have done to this wonderful festival, they sold Manston and are the root of all our problems”. He is reported to make a full recovery and will make his faecal matter speech at a later date.
To cap it all off, after the event a financial irregularity of the toilet company was discovered and Barry the key holder is now under investigation for financial irregularities in the Broadstairs Loo of the Year accounts. Allegedly Barry had been charging for four ply toilet paper whilst providing two ply toilet roll procured on the secretive toilet paper “brown market” as it is known. The money he saved was used to fund his champagne lifestyle and pay for his luxury penthouse apartment with sea views in Ramsgate.
The future of the festival is now in doubt, event organiser John Crapper was quoted as saying “All my hard work, dreams and enjoyment of the people is now down the toilet”