Joy Across Thanet As Species Segregation Comes To An End

There were scenes of celebration in Thanet today as news that species segregation on the main beaches is to come to an end. From the 1st October, dogs will be allowed on all beaches across the isle.

Prominent campaigner, full time dog and leader of the protest against the ban, Sausages Mandela, was jubilant at the news:

“It has been a long doggy walk to freedom, a whole five months to be precise. It wasn’t always certain and I did find myself wondering how many legs I’d have to hump to get the ban lifted. Our struggle isn’t over though and on such a momentous day we need to remember there is a lot of hard work ahead of us.

"It goes without saying that we have to sniffle every inch of the beach to see if there are any scraps of food buried, we also have to urinate on the same patch of sand as each other but most importantly, and I can not stress this enough, roll in any dead fish we may find. That’s a lot to fit in before our afternoon nap”

Not everybody shared in the joy. A pro beach ban campaigner and professional whiner, Jimmy McBastard, was disappointed at the lifting of the ban:

“I personally never use the beach as I don’t like sand, water or anything that makes people smile, but even so I don’t want dogs ruining it for others. Midwinter is obviously peak tourist season and with these beasts running around, visitors will be deterred from coming because clearly everybody wants to sit on the beach in gale force arctic winds when the thermostat hits minus 15.

"I think it's important that we...we erm, hold on, what...what the deuce...no...No... NO. Sausages get off. Get off my leg, get off my leg you filthy...arrrrrrrrrrgh...”

Mr. McBastard there making a new best friend.

Coming up next, wind shortages threaten the sustainability of the Thanet Wind Farm; plans put in place to harness the wind emitted from Thanet District Council meetings.