We’ve all had it. You put your rubbish out the night before, braving the dark in your Dalmatian onesie hoping the neighbours don’t spot you as your ears flap around in the wind whilst you drag the bin sack in your teeth to the outside bin and then bounce back inside on all fours stopping half way up the garden path to scratch behind your ears with your foot and then have a quick lick of your undercarriage.
The following day you’re left dismayed to see the bins haven’t been emptied...again, and even worse, seagulls have been at it and scattered your extra strength cider cans all over the street whilst drunkenly signing at the top of their voices and fighting each other over some bird. It’s an all too familiar occurrence.
The good citizens of Thanet have had enough and finally someone has listened to their call for change. Councillor and soon to be local hero, Oscar T Grouch, decided putting a high visibility vest on once every few months to collect a few crisp packets off the beach for a photo opportunity wasn’t enough. He explained to us his plan:
“Who is kicking my can? Oh right, you. Well using taxpayer’s money we hired consultants to examine what is causing the problem with uncollected rubbish. After a year of study and several hundred thousand pounds for which we may have to increase council tax, they came back with ‘The reason for Thanet’s rubbish crisis is that they don’t empty the bins.’ Quite simple really and I don’t know why anyone in the council hasn’t identified this problem before. I mean they have one job, just one job. How hard can it be? Anyway, now we know the root cause, I have come up with a plan of action and I hope you’ll agree, it’s a good one. Seagulls.
Yes that’s right, Seagulls. We’re looking at several ways of working with the Seagulls whom we’re having specially flown in to tackle the problem. The first idea is to give every resident a tube of fish paste so when they take their garbage out, they smear the bag with the paste to let the Seagulls know it’s ready for collection and before you can say ‘something smells fishy here’, it’s gone.
I did mention several ideas but this one is so good that I don’t think we need a second one. I fail to see any downside. None. Nada. Not a single potential downfall. It’s a brilliant plan and infinitley better than the current system.”
Well there you have it, Thanet’s rubbish crisis solved by Councillor Grouch.
Coming up next, Mr C Monster whose life was devastated by legal highs tells us how it all began “Cooooookie”