Over the past few decades there have been many uncorroborated sightings of the Beast of Broadstairs’ Moor. Earlier this week it was spotted fully erect (standing upright that is) in Ramsgate harbour, leaving droppings behind as evidence of its visit.
With well over 4 sightings in the past and a trail of devastation including missing livestock, damaged cars and unpaid bar tabs to its name, this creature has led many to live in fear and only the bravest to go walking on the completely fictional Broadstairs’ Moor at night.
We spoke to an eye witness of its most recent incursion into Ramsgate, a Mr. Jimmy Fibber, who was walking his dog when he spotted the creature:
“It was around 22:45 when I was walking around the dock and I heard a rustling behind some bins followed by a loud roar. Curious, I walked warily over despite my dog barking wildly and trying to pull away as hard as he could. I knew I shouldn’t go further but I did and as I reached the location of the noise, I saw a terrifying and ghostly creature on all fours. It matched the descriptions of past sightings I have read about because let's face it, I'm one of those people that make things up for the attention. Anyway, once it saw me it became fully erect in standing and ran off into the night.”
To find out if the beast does actually exist, in the past, army sharpshooters have been dispatched to Thanet to hunt for the creature. Members of the Men With Guns Royal Battalion spent a weekend hunting the creature back in 2007. We interviewed Major General Wang after the mission that was code-named Operation Half Cocked:
“I have a personal interest in the beast as my wife is fascinated by the animal. We arrived in Thanet and set up base camp in The Queens Armpit pub on the border of Broadstairs’ Moor. Having laid traps and cameras around the moor, by 22:00 that night we made a shocking discovery. We found that the Queens Armpit does the best pork scratchings we’ve ever had, I’m talking both fluffy and crispy with those little hairs sticking out that usually make you realise what a hideous snack you are eating.
"As with any mission, we aimed to win the hearts and minds of the people so we joined in with the local custom of drinking copious amounts of ale. The weekend is all a bit of a blur to me now but unfortunately the mission was cut short because of an unacceptably high civilian casualty rate. If the beast does exist, we didn’t find it and I’m sad to say Operation Half Cocked was a flop, much to the disappointment of my wife.”
To show our readers what the creature looks like, we employed an expert sketch artist often utilised by the police and gave her witness descriptions to work with. She came up with following impression which is both the most accurate image we have to date and alarming in its hideousness. Those with a weak heart or easily scared are not advised to continue reading and remember, stay safe when out on Broadstairs’ Moor.