Crisis has struck Christmas as opportunistic thieves stole Santa's sleigh from outside Ramsgate Megaspoons last night. Having stopped off for a quick snifter and leaving the sleigh unlocked, Santa was devastated to find it gone upon his return.
We spoke to Santa to see how he was coping with the loss:
“Ho ho ho, merry...oh why do I bother? My brother Gary said I should get into financial services, it would have been a lot easier.
Gary knew someone in the city who could have given me a job and the perks were pretty good. A six figure salary, thirty days holiday a year, sick pay and most importantly, unlimited tea and biscuits in the office canteen and I don't mean rich teas, ho ho ho no, we're talking Jaffa Cakes. That wasn't to be. Mrs Claus, or Mrs Claws as I like to call her, wanted me to move to the North Pole so she could have an elf slave army to tend to her every whim.
Ever received a naff present at Christmas? Well that's Mrs Claws’ fault for forcing the elves to halt the present production line and make her shoes.
Now I'm not saying she's Imelda Marcos but we did have to build a walk in shoe closet at the North Pole to fit all her shoes in. I'm not even going to mention her hat collection. Ascot is only once a year, how many blumin hats does she need?
Anyway, enough. It’s Christmas and I have a job to do even if it has just got harder. You should see some of the letters I receive. I can tell you one thing, George aged 5 from Margate certainly isn’t getting a puppy; you would not believe the mess they make in my sack. Rudolph smells bad enough as it is, no need to exacerbate the situation.
As for Norman aged 52 from Broadstairs, I definitely won’t be getting you Nicole Scherzinger, that's not how this works you deviant. I will however be getting your wife Doreen a year’s free subscription to Thanet Singles and the number of a good divorce lawyer you naughty boy.
Right, must dash, 7 billion presents to deliver with a Loop bus every 10 minutes and all that. I hope I finish in time as this year’s wrap party is being opened by Alabaster as Elfis Presley. He's a little off key with his ‘In the Grotto’ but it's still a toe-tapper.