After a public consultation with the angriest and most shouty people they could find, Thanet Council has introduced local byelaws that come into effect from January 2018 prohibiting the following. Explanations from the council are next to each item prohibited, don’t get caught out:
Selfie sticks – If your arm is not long enough to take a snap with your face in, you should consider head reduction surgery. It is the opinion of the council that if you are to take photos of the natural beauty that Thanet has on offer, your ugly mug can only detract from its magnificence.
Seagulls – Although the coast is their natural habitat, it is the council’s policy to crack down on anti social behaviour. With their regular molestation of rubbish bins, care free attitude to public pooping, pilfering of tourist lunches and one reported case of a victim being held up at wingtip and forced to empty their bank account at a cash machine, it is time they are banned from Thanet. We appreciate people may be fond of them so to ensure this order works, anyone found harbouring a seagull on their roof or in their garden may be liable for a fine and a custodial sentence of up to 25 years.
ipad photography – If you own an ipad the chances are you have a phone or a camera that have infinitely better photographic capabilities. Grainy shots obtained through the effort of lugging a massive contraption around do not present Thanet in its best light and so we feel the need to ban this heinous practice. Anyone found breaking this law will be slapped with an £80 on the spot fine.
The word “Fannit” – It is the council’s opinion that the English use of Th in words is both a rarity amongst languages and a source of national pride. Few other countries in the world can boast words that require one to extend their tongue to the edge of their mouth and push air through the gap in their teeth covering the listener in spit at the same time. Anyone pronouncing Thanet as “Fannit” will be slapped with a...well, just slapped.
Mopeds that sound like a Jumbo Jet – We’ve all had it, you’re crossing the road and midway through you hear a thunderous roar come speeding towards you. You dive on to the pavement in fear for your life leaving your loved ones and children behind only to see a clapped out banger of a moped come around the corner at 5mph with the customary L plates on piloted by someone who has no real destination and the misapprehension they’re a Hells Angel. The council has deemed it necessary to ban this practice.
Dog poo – Unfortunately a few bad eggs have spoiled this for everyone. The vast majority of dog walkers pick up after their pooches but one or two don’t. From now on, like all humans, dogs will be expected to hold it in and poop in the confines of their own homes.
The word “Pamphlet” – Leaflet or booklet adequately cover all meanings attributed to this word which is deemed by the council to be superfluous to needs. In an effort to cut costs, pamphlet will be removed from the Thanet lexicon.
Further details on the recent changes can be obtained by contacting firstname.lastname@example.org.