There were scenes of joy today as StreamBirch Strategic Partners confirmed today in their Environmental Impact Statement that they’ll only kill a handful of people to reopen Manston Airport.
“Great news” said Tony Offshore a representative of StreamBirch. “As part of our consultation with the local suckers, erm, public I mean, we now know how many people will die if we re-open Manston as a cargo hub. Before it was all about profit but knowing some locals will certainly die quite a terrible death is an added bonus. All we had to do was invent projected job numbers to get people on board and bada bing we're in the money. I haven't felt this good since I put my dog down."
Bitter anti-airport campaigners weren't so chipper about the report. “They can actually calculate the number of people that will die if Manston were to re-open as a cargo hub” whinged Julie NonLavé, “How many deaths are too many? 1? 10? 100? 1,000? It will be the whole of Thanet affected from Broadstairs to Birchington and even if you don’t die prematurely from the toxic jet fumes being sprayed across you and your family 24 hours a day, the noise of these massive cargo planes rattling over your roof throughout the night can cause mental illness" she continued. "I don’t want to blue ice on anybody’s parade, but I fail to see any upside in cargo planes taking off from Manston again.”
Local MP Roger Windstorm, a long term supporter of StreamBirch’s Manston plans, was glad to see his work paying off “Bah, so a few people will die, who cares? I certainly don't. I'd happily kill them myself if it brings 10 local jobs and a few more skilled jobs for non-residents. I've got a blunderbuss back at home, just give me a number to kill and I'll Terminator my way through Margate High Street" he said with glee.
"Now If you’ll excuse me girls, I have to get back to telling complete strangers who they can and can't marry because any societal change calls for a complete rewrite of Shakespeare...yes, that's right, I said that. Allowing gay marriage may lead to the rewriting of Shakespeare. I'll leave that to simmer in your synapses for a few minutes."
Coming up next, non-satirical text released for public consultation on Manston:
“There is health evidence drawn from the scientific literature that allows potential impacts on mortality and rates of certain diseases due to changes in noise and air pollutant exposure to be predicted quantitatively (in numerical terms). The scientific evidence shows that, depending on the level of noise or air pollution concentration, these may affect diseases of the heart, lungs and circulation system, mental health and wellbeing, and the overall risk of premature death. Whether there is a health risk and the magnitude of any impact on public health depends on the size of change in noise or air pollution and the population affected.”
RiverOak Strategic Partners Consultation - Non Technical Summary, p19