Having survived the Beast from the East with some residents still wearing shorts, Thanet is set to be blasted by the Weasel from the West in the coming days according to local news sources.
Wilbur Hunt of The Isle Of Thanet Gazelle said “To sell the news you need to scare people, you know, really whip them into a frenzy of blind panic that Armageddon is imminent. A gentle breeze has to be described as ‘gale force winds’, a small drop in temperature means the thermostats ‘plummet’ and a bit of rain means ‘run for hills it’s monsoon season’.
“We got lucky with the Beast from the East, people got battered so now we can feed off that for the next decade. Why do we do it I hear you ask? Advertising. ‘Nothing really happened’ doth not a good headline make. If we can get people really terrified on a regular basis they’re more likely to click on our articles and BAM, that’s when we smash them over the head with hundreds of adverts popping up everywhere and telling them how PPI claims and buying stuff will make their life better. Viagra alone has paid for me to go on holiday twice this year!”
For a clearer picture on the actual weather, The Thanetian spoke to Met Office weatherman Michael Wateranimal. He said “The Weasel from the West is going to bring winds of up to 3 mph that may blow around a few discarded crisp packets and make a rustling sound in trees. We would however advise those with comb overs to stay indoors and if they must venture out, to wear a hat or you know, face their hairless reality and just shave it off and be done with it.”
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