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The Thanettanic

In a nail biting scene earlier today, a boat almost capsized at Dumpton Gap. Drawn too close to shore by the siren call of a bacon sarnie and a cup of tea at Sam’s cafe, the hapless sailors failed to notice the tide was on it’s way out.

As the boat swung violently from side to side, they sent out an SOS to International Rescue. The Thunderbirds were otherwise engaged preventing The Hood from robbing the Bank of Broadstairs and Lady Penelope was having her nails done and a blue rinse at a local salon so no help came.

Salvation was found when a passing pilot ship rushed at top speed to the floundering ship. After the customary snifter of port and a game of deck quoits, a rope was attached between the vessels and the struggle to pull the boat out to sea began, but all did not go well.

On orders of Boris Johnson, a passing Border Force ship opened fire on the stricken ship believing there to be EU migrants on board. Theresa May caught wind of this and gave naughty Boris a good telling off as article 50 has not been enacted yet. With his cap in hand, Boris called off the Border Force and wrote an apology note for his actions. He has now been grounded for a week for his bad behaviour.

Safe from friendly fire, the rescue operation continued and just as the boat looked to be clearing the sand, with an almighty crack the rope snapped and the boat came a hairs breadth from going below the sea. The crowd gasped. With good old British perseverance, the rope was reattached and after 20 minutes of pulling, the boat was finally towed out to the safety of the sea.

After everyone was found to be OK, Broadstairs International News Thanet (BIN Thanet) managed to conduct a phone interview with the sailors. Lary McCrapsailor told us “It was close there for a while, we were really worried and not so sure we were going to make it. Thankfully Sam’s doesn’t close until 4 so we can definitely drop anchor further out and get a bacon sarnie and cup of tea. We would have been devastated if we had missed out on lunch.”

In other news, business for local nail salons has seen a tenfold increase as observers of the incident look to repair their bitten nails.

Coming up next, Broadstairs resident Punch arrested for suspected spousal abuse of wife Judy. “All I wanted was some sausages, why didn’t she just give me the sausages"

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