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Discarded Crisp Packet Sparks Riots in Thanet

There were scenes of carnage today in Thanet as a discarded crisp packet on the beach sparked a riot in Broadstairs and spread over to neighbouring Margate and Ramsgate. Shops have been looted, windows smashed and a toddler's electric car has been set ablaze.

With such dangers to life on reporting, The Thanetian fearlessly sent an office junior who no one much likes in the office to report on the riots. Frank Nosewhistler got these interviews.

“I’m outraged” said Marjorie from Broadstairs whilst foaming at the mouth. “World hunger, child poverty, and perpetual war in some part of the world doesn’t bother me, but when you go to the beach and drop litter that makes me furious. As soon as I’ve finished smashing up the town I’m going to go home and tell everyone on social media what an absolute hell hole we live in.”

Historian and local resident James Fetorcoat had a different take: “It’s not as if tourists haven’t been dropping litter since Thanet first became popular in 1863 with the arrival of the train line. Charles Dickens, as well as living in every house in Broadstairs, was known as a habitual litterbug around town often discarding pages that weren’t working in his books. Now if you’ll excuse me, someone has just smashed the window of the newsagents and I wouldn’t mind pilfering the latest edition of Victorian Hustler. The wife is away and I hear they have a centrefold on exposed ankles....mmm, those unwashed ladies of the night.”

We reached out to a representative of Thanet Council for comment and got the following response from the Chief Non-Executive Deputy Director of Litter Services: “Our early warning litter detection system housed in a multi million pound state of the art litter control room which gives us a 10 second warning of any active litter drops is not yet operational.

“According to our refuse engineer’s detailed report, the crisp packet that sparked the riot was discarded on a Saturday evening and collected early on a Sunday morning. Until the detection system is up and running we have decided to have every resident and visitor to Thanet followed so we can deal with any improperly discarded litter instantaneously or you know, people could get used to the fact that a busy tourist destination is going to unfortunately have litter year after year and we will endeavour to collect the litter as soon as possible.”

Coming up next, local man Frank Nosewhistler was found dead on Viking Bay late this evening. Police expect foul play and the riot being used as a cover for the murderous plot by persons close to him.

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