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Attack of The Seagulls

I’m both sad to say and annoyed that I was mugged in Thanet yesterday. I’m not an angry person but this human parasite has both riled me and left me feeling vulnerable; afraid to go out. My therapist has recommended I share the experience to help with the healing process and more than anything, as a warning to others. It’s a dangerous world we live in.

So there I was sitting at one of the beach cafés eating lunch when from behind I felt a tingling sensation, the kind of feeling one gets when the gates of hell have opened up to release a plague of demons upon us (much like the last Thanet District Council elections). I should have turned around but it all happened so quickly. I was mid bite into my tasty sandwich and enjoying the views then a split second later my life flashed before my eyes. I have never been so frightened as when I felt the evil presence swoosh past my head ruffling my hair. My heart racing I looked up to see my sandwich fly off into the distance, clasped in the massive razor sharp talons of a seagull. So huge was this rabid creature that it blocked out the sun casting a dark shadow across Thanet. I reached out in desperation after the airborne savoury snack but it was as if Satan himself had unleashed this fiend upon me, I was powerless to save it. I sobbed helplessly as this winged beast of Beelzebub; this Leviathan of the air; this flying rat; this this this Traffic Warden of the skies pilfered my hard earned lunch.

After the tears subsided, my first impulse was for revenge. Next time I saw a seagull sat in the middle of the road my foot would move towards the accelerator and not the brake as it would have done in the past. I’d let rip an evil laugh as retribution would be mine not only for the sandwich but for all the poop they had deposited upon my car in the past, usually the day after I had had it cleaned. I would be the Captain Ahab of the Thanet Way; the Mad Max of Military Road dispensing justice upon those fowl creatures (do ya get it, fowl as opposed to foul...that’s a pun of the month right there that is) who seek to harm us. I calmed down and better sense prevailed that this was not a good thing to do.

Now I’m no monster so I would not call for a cull of the seagull population but to prevent others suffering such tragedy as myself I would suggest we reduce the seagull population through selective slaughter with preferably every last one of these fiendish beasts being selected...or alternately people could perhaps just stop feeding the seagulls as it makes them aggressive? Just throwing it out there.

I liked that sandwich, it had sausage and ketchup in and I was savouring every bite.


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