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Boxing Contest of the Century: Shell Lady vs Gormley's Sculpture

Let's get ready to ruuuuuuumble. That's right ladies and gentlemen, he muscled in on her turf, well concrete, and she's not going to take it any more. The Shell Lady and Antony Gormley's Sculpture are set to fight in the contest of the century. The victor will be crowned King or Queen of the Margate statues.

In the disturbingly greenish corner, weighing in at...what's this, oh, a lady never gives out her weight, she's the Princess of Margate, The Queen of the Pier, Turner's Friend With Benefits, it's Maaaargate Sheeeeell Lady:

"I was here first. How dare he come here an take my glory. It's all Gormley this and Gormley that in Margate now. Before he come I used to feature in 10 Instagram photos an hour, now I barely hit 10 posts a day after people have finished taking photos of their lunch. He don't know who he's messing with.

"Big whoop, a boat nearly hit him an everyone was like 'Not the Gormley', well snowflakes, I'm gonna knock him back to the scrap yard he come from."

In the strangely brown corner, weighing in at 650 kilograms, a Gentleman and a Sculpture, The Tetanus Giver, The Man With The Metal Schlong, it's Goooormley's Sculpture:

"Oh a pugilism contest, how delightful. Marquess of Queensberry rules one hopes. I'm awfully sorry if I've caused any offence but what can one say, looking this good people just want to snap you. I'm an, how does one phrase it, instaladyofthenight or instawhore magnet to use the common parlance of today's youth. An Adonis for all to gaze upon in unbridled wonder.

"Now if you will excuse me my dear I have an adoring public to pose for. It's a tiring job but someone has to do it, do it well that is, and before the tide comes in and fish start nibbling my bits."

I can't believe it ladies and gentleman, Gormley is throwing shade at the Shell Lady, wait, hold on, she's grabbing the mic:

"I'll f****** kill him"

And now time for a commercial break. This match is brought to you by the 87p Store of Las Margate Boulevard, the home of no refunds.

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