Archaeologists were raising their trowels in excitement today after a major find on the Margate Caves archaeological dig.
Along with the customary pieces of broken pottery and little shards of metal that they claim are actually fearsome weapons bathed in the blood of the last wielder’s enemies, they have discovered the long lost Ark of the Covenant, resting place of the Ten Commandments.
“Well it certainly hasn’t been easy” said Indiana Jones, head archaeologist “Last time I came to Margate in search of a gold statue I almost didn’t make it. To survive I had to outrun a massive boulder and then escape from some angry natives dressed in grey tracksuits, white trainers and baseball caps covered up by hoodies. Worst of all, the plane I escaped on had snakes in it. I’ve had it with snakes on a plane.” He said using expletives we edited out.
“Anyhoo, to cut a long story short, I hooked up with an ex in Megaspoons to get the head to the staff of Ra...msgate, used it on the Model Village to find out where to dig but got in a little pickle with some local Nazis who trapped me in the Margate Caves once I had found the Ark. I escaped, gave chase and then had fisticuffs with some bald chap on steroids at Manston where they were trying to transport it away on an aeroplane. When they changed their plan and tried to take it along the Thanet Way in a convoy, I single-handedly took on a tank to get it back and then almost got it away safe to London on a steamer from Dover but a Nazi submarine captured myself and the Ark mid-journey.
“Do you know what happened next? The local Nazis took me and the Ark to Goodwin Sands, opened it and these crazy ghost things came out and killed everybody who was watching them fly about.
“Upon reflection, if I had done nothing, exactly the same outcome would have occurred. My role in this movie...erm, excavation was completely and utterly redundant. I could have sat at home in my underwear playing online bingo and indulging in daytime drinking whilst yelling abuse at the neighbours kids who keep kicking their ball into my rose garden and nothing would be different.”
Margate Caves will be open to the public from early 2019. Coming up next, drunk local man brandishing a whip arrested after chasing children along street in his underwear.