A Thanet man is currently undergoing treatment in Margate’s QEQM after an altercation with his wife this week. Romeo Montague was rushed to A and E on Valentine’s Day after making the mistake of, ahem, “treating” his long suffering wife to fish and chips.
“I’ll flipping kill him when he gets out” said his wife, Juliet Capulet. “Ten bloody years of marriage and the unspeakable things I have done in the bedroom to please him and he spends a tenner on our special evening. Most of my friends were romanced with flowers, chocolates, cards and a fancy meal but oh no, not Romeo. What do I get? £5 petrol station flowers with the price still on, a card that says ‘Get well soon’ and has my name misspelt and to top it off, fish and flipping chips. He knows where he can stick that!” she raged.
A consultant from QEQM gave The Thanetian an update on Romeo’s condition: “Well, the good news is after 3 hours of surgery we have successfully removed all the cod from his rectal cavity. I say 3 hours of surgery but the surgeon made a joke about Finding Nemo so that took an hour for everyone to stop laughing. The not so good news is that Romeo might not be walking properly for a year or so.
“From what I’m herring from the sturgeon, it will be a long trawl but if he puts his heart and sole into it, he cod dolphinitely hake a full recovery schooner; any fin is possible when salmon puts their mind to it. ” she explained whilst trying not to laugh.
The incident has been reported to Kent Police who released the following statement:
“Cod up the bum you say? Bejesus that must have hurt. We at Kent Police would like to tell the public that this is completely unacceptable and the perpetrator will be facing the full force of law. This is a crime we do not take lightly. As soon as Romeo is recovered we will take him into custody and charge him for domestic abuse. After 20 years in the job I am still shocked at how cruel people can be. Fish and chips on Valentine’s Day; who does that? I hope the judge throws the book at him and I’d like to express sympathy for his wife.”
Upon reading the statement, The Thanetian reached out to Kent Police for further comment about the assault and battery with a cod by Juliet to which we received the reply “Good on her”.