Thanet, famed for its picture postcard beaches in the many natural bays that adorn the isle is to get a new feather in its cap as a local company was selected to build the Fartorium for the upcoming wedding of Harry and Meghan.
“Windsor Castle is a notoriously echoey venue to pass wind in” said Eddie Puff, owner of Windtrap Services Ltd, the company tasked with building the Fartorium. “After much embarrassment for King Edward VII on his happy day there, plans were put in place to provide a Fartorium for flatulent guests to adjourn to when in need of relief so they wouldn’t cause a hullabaloo mid nuptials.
“After our work on Thanet Council offices to contain all the hot air generated in their meetings, we were fortunate to be contacted by the Crown Estate and I can’t express how delighted we are to now be known as Official Fart Mufflers To The Queen”.
Unfortunately, royal wedding fever hasn’t gripped everyone in Thanet. With reports of protests planned for the May wedding, we spoke to one of those traitorous republicans that have the misguided notion everyone is equal.
“Two people are getting married, good for them, the unfortunate thing is that the royal wedding news cycle is like watching an airborne seagull take aim at your face with its bum and empty its bowels on you with pinpoint precision” ranted Oliver Cromwell, the traitorous upstart.
“You’re surprised at how much crap is coming your way but there is nothing you can do to stop it, you stand there powerless and open jawed just waiting for it all to slap you in the face. In the split second before you suffer the inevitable splatter you have a choice to make, do I call my loved ones and tell them I’m coming back a changed person? Do I make a run for it and live off grid in a cave somewhere remote and devoid of all human life, like Dover? No, there’s no escape. Every tedious detail of these complete stranger’s lives are coming our way.
“Speculation on Meghan’s wedding dress, what tiara she will wear, who will attend, will her father walk her down the aisle, will Prince Phillip say something racist, the lucky commoners invited to stand outside the wedding in the rain and of course the big day itself for two people we've never met. There’s no hiding from it, every mind numbing detail will be broadcast to us daily through TV, newspapers, radio and the internet until we die and the worst thing is, like it or loathe it we’re all paying for it” he sobbed inconsolably.
The Thanetian’s Royal Correspondent put these gripes to Harry and Meghan’s press office for comment and received the following retort: “Let them smell farts”